


It’s not always like this.

by Isimile



Series: Fictober 2019 [11]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Fictober 2019, M/M, Marvel Bingo 2019, Multi, Pre-Poly, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2020-12-14 11:42:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21015200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isimile/pseuds/Isimile
Summary: After Bucky has another panic attack about the Winter Soldier trying to gain control over their body, Sam suggests talking to Bruce Banner.





	1. Chapter 1

“It’s not always like this.”

The hurried words broke Sam’s heart. Bucky was sitting in the dark in the common room, shaking, hands flexing, clenching and unclenching. He approached slowly, worried about spooking him, then sat down beside him. “Okay. But, you know, it’s okay even if it is.”

Bucky snorted. “Yeah, tell that to Stevie.”

Sam winced. He’d repeatedly told himself to speak with Steve about his trying to pretend Bucky hadn’t been a prisoner of war, brainwashed to work for HYDRA, for about 70 years. Perhaps it was time he actually did so. And it was not just what Bucky had gone through that Steve was in denial of. “Did you... have another fight with the Soldier?”

During his time as a prisoner, a split personality had emerged. They weren’t sure if it had been because of the abuse he had suffered or if HYDRA had intended it, to have a blank slate they would have an easier time controlling. Now that they were free of HYDRA and no longer on the run, the two personalities were struggling over who got how much control over the body they shared.

Bucky nodded slightly, worn out from the fight against the Soldier. “I can’t let him get the upper hand. I won’t let him take over my life again.” He was scared that, if he didn’t keep control, he would be pushed down again. It was a risk he wasn’t willing to take, not if it meant not seeing Sam again. Not that he knew. The Soldier, that asshole, knew very well and tried even harder to get control when Sam was nearby.

“Have you tried talking to Banner about it?” Sam suggested. “He has found a compromise with the Hulk, it seems.”

“It’s worth a try, I guess.”

~*~

Bruce took just one look at him, then winced. “Come on, I have a tea that will help against that headache and fatigue.”

Bucky followed him to the sitting room of the apartment he shared with Thor, silently watching as Bruce rummaged in the cabinet under the electric kettle.

“Sorry, it’s been a while since I’ve drank it,” Bruce said when he finally found it and put it into one of the two cups.

“You don’t need it anymore?”

Bruce shrugged. “We’ve reached a compromise.”

“How?”

Bruce looked down into his tea. “It wasn’t easy or quick, I’m afraid. At least not to first steps.” His smile when he looked up was pained, full of compassion. “You need to accept that it’s his body as well and that you both want and have a right to it.”

Bucky reared back. “No, no I can’t. He’s... he’s...”

“A monster?” Bruce finished for him. “Yeah, I’ve thought that about the Hulk for years. Turns out that I was causing part of the problems by only letting him out in highly stressful, dangerous situations, so he didn’t exactly get the chance to learn how to properly, peacefully interact with others.”

Bucky still looked doubtful. “I can’t just let him out. I mean, how can I be sure he’ll let me back in control?”

Bruce just nodded. “You’re right, you can’t. But the thing is, when I finally started communicating with the Hulk, it turned out that he was being so pushy because he, too, was afraid he’d never get control over our body again if he let me back in control. That’s what I meant when I said that you both a right to your body. It’s yours but it’s his as well.” He smiled. “Try finding a way for your to communicate, I mean it. The Hulk is much more ready to switch with me at my request, now that he knows it won’t be the last time he’s allowed control.”

“How did-?” Bucky stopped, hands tightening on the arms of the armchair he was sitting in when he felt the Soldier push for control.

“Go ahead, let him,” Bruce encouraged. “He won’t hurt me.” His smile was hard, surprisingly ruthless. “I’m sure he knows better than to try facing the Hulk.”

Bucky gasped, then suddenly stiffened. He said up straight, looking Bruce in the face. “You are correct, I have no intention of attacking you.”

“You’re the Winter Soldier?” Bruce asked, wanting to make sure. “Or do you prefer another name?”

He paused, considering the question. “I do not mind being called Soldier. Or you can call me James.”

Bruce inclined his head. “Okay.” He was thankful for Tony in that moment. His friend was the one who had started him on the way of accepting the Hulk. It was a pity for Barnes that Tony, quite understandably, preferred to keep his distance. “Could you hear our conversation?” The Hulk, he had later learned, had been able to and had finally even agreed to teach him how.

“I could. I am amenable to working on a compromise with Barnes.”

Something occurred to Bruce at his easy acceptance, so contrary to the fight Bucky had obviously expect him to put up. Perhaps there were far more parallels between the Soldier and the Hulk than they had all thought. “You’ve been protecting him, haven’t you?” he asked quietly. “You’ve faced the dangerous situations for him, so he doesn’t have to. And now that you’re safe, you want to share the peace.”

James’ eyes flickered to the side, uncomfortable at having his motives read so clearly. “Yes.” At least he hadn’t been able to guess which moments in particular he wanted to experience or at least share.

“If you let him back in control, I will pass it on to Bucky. You’ll have to figure out the details to your compromise between yourselves but I’ll strongly suggest he give it a try.”

James didn’t reply, instead stepping back and pushing Bucky to the forefront again.

Bucky looked around, startled to find himself back in control so quickly and easily. “What did he do?”

“He wanted to let you know that he is willing to compromise, to not fight you for control over your body.”

Bucky couldn’t help being suspicious. “Just like that?”

Bruce shrugged. “He has faced the danger and torture for you, now he wants to be able to experience the peace as well,” he passed on.

Bucky opened his mouth to argue but then had to stop. He wasn’t completely wrong, he had to admit. After a few years of captivity, he had been asleep most of the time, the Soldier having taken over. He’d never considered what he must have gone through in that time. He nodded reluctantly. “I guess.”

“Perhaps Sam can help the two of you work out your compromise,” Bruce suggested. “Part of his training as a counsellor probably involved moderating disagreements.”

“The Soldier’s gonna love that,” Bucky muttered.

“Hm? What do you mean? Does he not like Sam?”

“I don’t know. But he’s always extra pushy when he’s around.”

Oh. Oh! Now wasn’t this interesting. He felt the Hulk’s schadenfreude and chided him gently, reminding them of their own struggle when they’d each been trying to see if Thor was interested and constantly getting into each other’s way. “He seems straightforward,” he said out loud. “I’m sure if he had something against Sam or meant him harm, you would know about it already.” He got up and went to a shelf with books. “I can lend a book that helped us a lot.”

Bucky accepted it, then did a double-take when he saw the title. “Polyamory?”


	2. “You keep me warm.”

“You keep me warm.”

Sam stared at him, startled. Bucky had been agitated after his conversation with Banner but unwilling to talk, so he’d given him room and even kept Steve distracted. Then, late at night, Bucky had asked to talk to him. He’d told him that Banner had suggested compromising with the Winter Soldier about the body they shared and had asked him to moderate it. He had generally agreed but had wanted to talk to the Winter Soldier first, to make sure it would be okay for him as well.

“I do not mind,” the Soldier – James, he’d asked to be called – had said. “I would be... grateful for your assistance.”

“You sure?”

“You keep me warm,” he’d replied, then looked surprised and embarrassed by his own comment. To Sam, this was the most emotion he’d seen from him.

“I keep – What do you mean by that?”

James visibly steeled himself. “I am used to the cold. Siberia. The cryo chambers. HYDRA itself. It’s what I’ve known as far back as I can remember. You have changed that. You’re different. You’re...” he trailed off, looking for words, then just repeated. “You keep me warm.”

Sam wasn’t sure what to say. “Thank you,” he finally replied, honestly touched.

James just shrugged. “I will put Bucky in control again. I’m open to consider his demands, as long as he agrees not to try to completely suppress me again.” Before Sam could reply, his body language changed to way he was beginning to recognize as Bucky being in control again.

“Are you okay?” Bucky asked at once.

“I’m fine, we just talked.”

Bucky froze. “What about?”

“He didn’t tell me any of your secrets, Barnes, don’t worry,” Sam said. “He agreed to my moderating your attempt at a compromise. His only demand for now was not being suppressed. What about you? What are your limits for the compromise?”

“I’ll need to think about it.” He cleared his throat. “Can we talk about something else for now?”

“What do you want to talk about?”

“Anything.”

~*~

James for once didn’t even attempt to listen in on Bucky’s conversation with Sam, the way he normally did. He was far too embarrassed still, an unfamiliar emotion for him. But then Sam tended to do that a lot.

He’d been the first one to treat him normally. Rogers ignored him and tried to force Bucky to be who he’d been before the war. James might not overly like Bucky most of the time but he did believe that he did not deserve to be belittled like that. The other Avengers he usually interacted with – with the exception of Banner – treated him with pity or the wary respect you’d show a weapon who might misfire any moment. And the less said about HYDRA, the better. Sam didn’t show any of these reactions. He just respected him – them – as a person, as someone who had a right to their past. He accepted that he existed, period.

And James respected him in return. As a fighter. As someone he felt he could talk to, someone he could confide in. Simply as a person.

He had not, however, intended to tell him that. He’d have to do better next time. He’d have to make a better impression.

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on tumblr at [eleonorebirk.tumblr.com](https://eleonorebirk.tumblr.com/) where I will be posting my fictober fills first


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